Caught Pooping on Camera

New Mexico Runner caught on camera repeatedly pooping in man's yard.

I don't understand what the problem here is. Who among us has not, at one time or another, taken a dump on somebody's lawn, driveway, or carpet?

Knowing When to Give Up

When I'm playing chess (you think a turtle can't play chess?) and my opponent castles, I just yield right then and there. The way I see it, my opponent either:

1. Knows the rules for castling, which automatically makes them a much better chess player than me. Or,
2. Is cheating.

Summer Movies

After seeing Sharknado, I was really excited to see Prince Avalanche in August. Then someone explained that Prince Avalanche isn't about what I thought it was about.

It doesn't even have Prince in it, let alone an avalanche of Prince.

I'm writing this as a warning to everyone else who made the same mistake.

Advances in Atomic Clocks

From BBC News:

Another clock is also undergoing development - an ion clock. This clock loses just one second every few billion years, but because it relies on a single ion, it is not yet deemed to be stable enough for widespread use.

Well, obviously. I mean, what if someone steals the ion?

Tomorrow Has Already Gone Down in History

Just to give everyone fair warning:

I have just invented a time machine. I'll be testing it out tomorrow, and we should know whether it works by yesterday.

That is all.

Fresh LIBOR for sale

So they sold the LIBOR rate. I was not personally aware that rates could themselves be bought and sold. Now that I do know, I'd like to sell off some of the rates and statistics that I own:

The Average Height of American Females, Aged 42-65 - $2,250,000

The Rate of Type II Diabetes in Malaysian Immigrants to Mainland China - $200,000

The Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow - $750,000

The number 7 - $5,000,000,000

G (The Gravitational Constant of the Universe) - Offered at the bargain-basement price of $9,999,999,999,999,999.99

If you're interested in purchasing any of these, please leave your contact info in the comments.

Response to my Critic

Those pictures are fakes! Also, it's an invasion of privacy to take fake pictures of someone eating their own poop!

Now, now, now... Have I ever eaten my own poop? Well, yes, if you must know. But I would like you, Gentle Internet, to remember what I originally said. I said, "I DO NOT eat my own poop." I didn't say, "I've NEVER eaten my own poop." So, it depends on what the meaning of the word "do" is. If "do" means "do and never has" that's one thing—if it means "doesn't currently", that was a completely true statement.

Anyway, maybe the reason you're so obsessed with me eating my own poop, Robyn, is because your poop is so disgusting that no one would ever eat it, whereas my poop is 'effing delicious. And you're just jealous, because you wish you could make poop that tastes as good as my poop.

So, basically, this is just about your own insecurities. Insecurities about your failure to produce delicious poop.

So there.