Hook DVDs

Why do networks not sell cheap "hook" DVDs with the first one or two episodes of a popular series on them?

I know my grandmother (pictured here) would like Downton Abbey if she only watched the first episode, and she might like The Wire, John Adams, and Yes, Minister if she tried them. But the only way I can get her to try them is to buy a whole season of each. Or, you know, just steal the first episodes. I'm nervous about trying theft., though I've seen enough episodes of Cops to know that I'll never outrun them.

Limbaugh on Slavery

Rush Limbaugh (from RawStory):

If any race of people should not have guilt about slavery, it’s Caucasians. The white race has probably had fewer slaves and for a briefer period of time than any other in the history of the world. ... It’s preposterous that Caucasians are blamed for slavery when they’ve done more to end it than any other race...

As disgusting as it is, I can't help but be amused by the logic. "Yeah, sure. We may have carted entire shiploads of people to distant lands, to be worked to death under the Caribbean sun or bred like cattle on Virginia plantations, but everyone was doing it back then. And we stopped eventually. Why don't we ever get credit for stopping?"

Caught Pooping on Camera

New Mexico Runner caught on camera repeatedly pooping in man's yard.

I don't understand what the problem here is. Who among us has not, at one time or another, taken a dump on somebody's lawn, driveway, or carpet?

Knowing When to Give Up

When I'm playing chess (you think a turtle can't play chess?) and my opponent castles, I just yield right then and there. The way I see it, my opponent either:

1. Knows the rules for castling, which automatically makes them a much better chess player than me. Or,
2. Is cheating.

Summer Movies

After seeing Sharknado, I was really excited to see Prince Avalanche in August. Then someone explained that Prince Avalanche isn't about what I thought it was about.

It doesn't even have Prince in it, let alone an avalanche of Prince.

I'm writing this as a warning to everyone else who made the same mistake.

Advances in Atomic Clocks

From BBC News:

Another clock is also undergoing development - an ion clock. This clock loses just one second every few billion years, but because it relies on a single ion, it is not yet deemed to be stable enough for widespread use.

Well, obviously. I mean, what if someone steals the ion?

Tomorrow Has Already Gone Down in History

Just to give everyone fair warning:

I have just invented a time machine. I'll be testing it out tomorrow, and we should know whether it works by yesterday.

That is all.

Fresh LIBOR for sale

So they sold the LIBOR rate. I was not personally aware that rates could themselves be bought and sold. Now that I do know, I'd like to sell off some of the rates and statistics that I own:

The Average Height of American Females, Aged 42-65 - $2,250,000

The Rate of Type II Diabetes in Malaysian Immigrants to Mainland China - $200,000

The Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow - $750,000

The number 7 - $5,000,000,000

G (The Gravitational Constant of the Universe) - Offered at the bargain-basement price of $9,999,999,999,999,999.99

If you're interested in purchasing any of these, please leave your contact info in the comments.

Response to my Critic

Those pictures are fakes! Also, it's an invasion of privacy to take fake pictures of someone eating their own poop!

Now, now, now... Have I ever eaten my own poop? Well, yes, if you must know. But I would like you, Gentle Internet, to remember what I originally said. I said, "I DO NOT eat my own poop." I didn't say, "I've NEVER eaten my own poop." So, it depends on what the meaning of the word "do" is. If "do" means "do and never has" that's one thing—if it means "doesn't currently", that was a completely true statement.

Anyway, maybe the reason you're so obsessed with me eating my own poop, Robyn, is because your poop is so disgusting that no one would ever eat it, whereas my poop is 'effing delicious. And you're just jealous, because you wish you could make poop that tastes as good as my poop.

So, basically, this is just about your own insecurities. Insecurities about your failure to produce delicious poop.

So there.

Vicious Slander

There you go again, Robyn, saying I eat my own poop.

I shouldn't even dignify your accusation with a reply, but I'll respond for the sake of the Internet. Internet, I do not eat my own poop. That is categorically untrue, and it's a vicious slander.

I DO NOT eat my own poop.

Now let's drop this silly scandal and move on.

You Can't Silence a Turtle

It's me, Lana. Lana the Box Turtle.

My roommate, who blogs at According2Robyn, agreed to let me have my own blog. Then she password protected her computer, cackled, and said, "Now let's see you post to it!"

So I stole her credit card and bought my own goddamn computer. You can't stop the signal, bitch.


I'll be back later with more substance on life as a Turtle-American. For the moment, let me leave you with this thought:

Paul Ryan is the Casanova of social welfare programs. He wants to fuck all of them.